I get a little too attached to my favorite bands.
All that I want to say to you, all the things you make me feel and well, just, everything is in this playlist.
lol. Joke lang. Dakota, Sound of Fire and What About Now's actually missing from it but, you know, almost everything's there.
I never had to suppress my feelings for anyone before. At least, not to this degree. It took me half a semester's time to have the courage to tell someone. And I've hidden a lot of feelings. But even if I am positively ecstatic because of you, I have to think twice before telling someone. Like the way that Fall Out Boy song goes, "I want to scream I love you from the top of my lungs, but I'm afraid that someone else will hear me."
I don't... love you, though. Haha.
I don't know, I just really genuinely like you. I want to know you so much and be your friend and I'd be alright with being just that. Maybe I wouldn't be as much when I actually become one but right now the idea of it makes me feel content. You have a girlfriend and your picture with her is just so adorable. And I don't want to ruin that for you. I really don't.
I can't explain it. I hope you never feel lonely or unwanted because I want so much to be your friend but I know I can't so... yep. Sigh.
I was bored and, well, I felt like editing these pictures. And this was the outcome. Haha. Perhaps I can insert this picture in my debut invitation. If I'd even have one, that is. Haha. The 'glasses'? I bought them a day ago at the Toy convention. It looked so much Kagura's (from Gintama) that I just had to have them. Haha. 200 pesos down the drain. Hooray.
I wouldn’t say I’m anti-social or awkward, although I legitimately feel that way at times. I’m just shy. It’s been my obstacle ever since I can remember. I can’t say anything when I know there’s a crowd anticipating my words or actions, which naturally implies that I am not good in public speaking. I’ve been told to audition for poetry competitions as early as second grade, but I clam up each and every time and I just do not have that confidence. And when I do try to be outgoing and fluid, it shows. It’s obvious. It’s painful to watch. I just want to get over that stage-fright and be outgoing. Because I feel like if I do, I might be able to achieve great things and finally have people say I’m definitely my dad and mom’s kid.
Some time during December of last year, someone on tumblr followed me. Being the dorky, unattractive and socially-inept girl that I am, I always get intrigued when I see a boy following my blog. It just so happened that at that time, it was a boy that followed me. So I checked his blog and he was, indeed, a boy. But not just a boy, a good looking, chinito. And all of my friends know of my soft spot for chinitos. The fact that he liked my music sealed the deal. I was obviously crushing on the guy.
So I made some lame attempts--pursuing a conversation with him and whatnot. And I was happy with the 'civil' conversations we had.
Then that weekend, I was online early. Actually, at that time, only a few of us were on. I was so happy he was. Then he posted something along the lines of, "If you're online, like this." And so I did, as I was eager to talk to him.
But then he posted his picture. Handsome as he was in it, it somewhat turned me, err, off, I guess? There was just something about boys being as vain as me that made me feel a bit put off. So I ignored that post of his.
THEN HE MESSAGED ME. I swear I had a miniature heart attack. It made me so happy that during our chat, we moved on from the 'civilized' stage. The 'civilized' stage being the period where you just met the person and you still haven't figured out how to approach him and so you are being painfully polite. We then got to calling each other names, joking around, being sarcastic and it was just really fun. Strangely, I stopped liking him that way the moment he sent me that first message. Instead, I started seeing him as a best bud. Of course some of the feelings still lingered, but it lessened a great deal.
It was just fun having him as a friend. He'd call me names, tease me and pair me up with Rai (someone that gave me more compliments than I deserved) then I'd tease him about his fangirls, etc.After our five hour conversation that day, my inbox reached 300. Hahaha. And I valued the fact that he didn't publish my messages, unlike what he did to the other people that messaged him. And I could fangirl about bands with him! Haha. It felt nice. He even asked me if I wanted to meet up with him because he was visiting Pasig during the summer (he lives in Bohol, by the way), which I politely declined.
He doesn't post anymore, though. And I sort of accepted that he got tired of it already. But you know, I was backreading his blog and, well, I just miss him. Really. He was the closest friend I ever had there. I could actually be my usual sarcastic self with him and I miss his corny jokes haha. I just miss him.
So our library finally blocked tumblr for our usage. Aww. Which lead me to log on here. I don't really feel the need to blog about anything, I mean, I'm too lazy to blog about anything significant but I'm blogging for the sake of doing something.
I arrived two hours early for my first class. Which starts at 9AM. It's currently 7:55. Or at least, according to the computer I'm using. I'm looking for some dramione fics right now, and it amuses me that the one sitting beside me is on ff.n looking for fics in Gakuen Alice. Haha.
I don't know. Maybe I should read a manga instead.
I'm scared, though. Because my 10:30-12:00 class is different from all my friends. Meaning, I'll be with people I don't know, who may or may not have failed Algebra last sem as well. I'm weary of my prof. A friend of mine had her last sem and she failed too. And that makes me jittery.
And please ignore the irrelevant post title. I just happened to be listening to that as I type this.
In other news, I'm beginning to favor commuting over riding the bus. Which makes me feel guilty, because we still pay a little over 2k for that, and I don't even ride it most of the time. Mom's right, it's convenient that I have an option, but on the other hand, it's like throwing away money. And I'd rather have the money she pays for the bus and use it as my commuting fund. But I still have no idea how to go to MC from my house. Fuck. Why is Katipunan so out of the way. Everyone going to Katipunan has to use so many means just to arrive here. It's almost as if it's isolated. Haha. I use about 50 commuting from Katips to Pasig. AND THAT'S JUST PASIG. That would mean I'd use about a hundred everyday just to go to and fro.
That sucks, as my 200 peso allowance only permits me to do so much. My big appetite doesn't help either. 200 pesos isn't a lot when I'm looking for meals that will satisfy my hunger in the morning and noon. Nothing in the MC caf ever makes me feel full. At least, not without spending over a hundred. Gah. Nothing in Katipunan is cheap. Nothing.
Maybe I'll stop riding the bus next month. Hopefully. I really don't want to anymore. Although using public vehicles all by myself never fails to make me paranoid, I think I'd rather have that than feel like a spoiled brat mixed with younger kids and teenagers in the school bus. Haha. I speak as if I'm no longer seventeen. I am turning eighteen next year, but yeah.
Funny, I never really felt like a spoiled kid when riding the school bus before. Maybe it's because I've had a taste of how it really is. And I feel liberated. I feel like I'm really growing up, like I'm letting go of how I was then.
And another thing, can I just say that I'm honestly enjoying it here in MC. I really have no plans of transferring and I hope my parents don't either. I'm happy with the environment, I'm happy with the friends I gained and I just feel content. I really want to hone my skills here. Here, not in DLSU, UP or anywhere. It's sad that MC really wasn't any of my blockmates' first choice, but I really like it here.